Fighting today for the title of T-Rex World Champion: Jack Kirby’s Devil Dinosaur and Pat Mills’ Satanus! Devil Dinosaur conquered a telepathic tyrannosaur and devoured Jim Lawson’s Loner. Satanus destroyed the Tyrannosaurus of Jurassic Park and murdered his own mother: Old One Eye.
We invite you to cast your own vote for your favorite in this match. Will your favorite Rex reign as the tyrant supreme – or sleep with the mother$#&%ing fishes tonight?!? We’re about to find out!
T-Rex Beat Down is a co-blogging series presented in partnership with Paul O’Connor of The LongBox Graveyard. Let’s give credit where credit is due: March Madness for Tyrannosaurs was Paul’s idea in the first place! Paul wrote the Tale of the Tape for half our contestants and scripted three of our battles. Plus, we put him in charge of feeding the tyrant lizards for a few days. His kids didn’t complain about taking the Rexes out for walks every night – although no one volunteered to sweep out the stalls!
Now let’s get to our final Championship Round!
The crowd is going wild today, Rex fans! Half of the audience is chanting, “De-VIL! De-VIL!” Half of them are chanting, “Sa-tan-US! Sa-tan-US!” It sounds like a gathering of 50,000 Satan worshippers in here! The noise is stunning, horrible, and strangely exciting.
Moon Boy stands in Devil Dinosaur’s corner, quietly talking to his big red friend. Devil seems agitated. He suffered a lot of wounds in his first two rounds. Some of his supporters have bet against him today, believing the relatively unhurt Satanus has the winning edge.
Satanus rages furiously in his corner. He’s already eaten four of the handlers assigned to keep him in his corner until the starting bell rings. Is there no quelling the fires of rage that burn in his black heart?
What’s this? We just received word that Judge Dredd and an army of Judges are waiting outside the stadium. They say they are going to arrest everyone who exits the Coliseum of Cretaceous Carnage – for illegal gambling on dinosaur fights! Someone please tell us we built a secret escape route for the Press and Staff!
Oh, well – no time to worry about that now.
There’s the Starting Bell! Let’s tune in for the play-by-play!
Satanus and Devil Dinosaur immediately leap at each other! Two sets of horrifying jaws slash the air, looking for the fatal death grip on their opponent. Locked in struggle, each batters the other, trying for a take-down.
Their heads smash into one another, and the stunning blow breaks them apart for a moment. Satanus whips his tail at Devil’s injured leg, still smarting from his Semifinal battle. Devil falls, roaring in agony! But, no sooner does the roar escape his mouth than his open jaws clamp down on Satanus’ right knee.
Devil snaps his head to one side. With a sickening crunch, Satanus’ knee shatters! Blood and bone fragments spray onto the ground as the air trembles with his angry screams. Devil rolls away, narrowly escaping a killer strike from Satanus’ serrated teeth.
As Devil rolls away, Satanus’ leg gives out and he falls on his mutilated knee. RRAAAAOOOOAAARRGGHHH!!!! Slobber flies from his jaws as the agony drives him further into the depths of enraged insanity. Devil regains his feet and jumps in for the kill. He meets the open mouth of Satanus!
Deflected, Devil falls to one side as Satanus rakes the air with his fearsome choppers. But, Devil now has the upper hand. His opponent stays rooted to the ground, unable to rise. Devil backs off slightly, circling his foe just beyond the range of the terrible teeth.
Satanus fans hurl skulls, beer cans, and insults at Devil. Struck by the garbage, he turns to the stands and roars his anger! “Don’t listen to them, Devil,” shouts Moon Boy. “Go for the kill!” The sound of his friend’s voice brings Devil back to the task at hand.
Devil circles swiftly as Satanus whips that terrifying black tail at him again. Devil leaps over the tail, falling on Satanus’ back this time. The claws of his feet sink into the flesh of the Black Tyrannosaur, gripping him firmly. His strikes, his jaws clamping onto Satanus’ neck in a deadly, implacable embrace!
Satanus howls! The humiliation angers the lord of the Cursed Earth far more than the pain. He rolls onto his back, seeking to dislodge the red fury that assails him. But no impact can dislodge the mighty Devil Dinosaur now! Devil savagely twists his grip on Satanus, but the Black Tyrannosaur proves too strong for a neck break.
Pushing away from Satanus, Devil smashes him again and again in the face with his giant red tail! The impact stuns Satanus just long enough for Devil to strike a killing blow. He finds Satanus’ jugular with his massive teeth – and pulls!
A gurgling scream escapes Satanus, and streams of blood gush from his throat. Devil pounces on the fallen Rex again, slashing and scraping violently. Pound after pound of reptilian steak rips away from the body of Satanus. The beast who could not die breathes his last breath.
RRRRRRAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!! Devil raises his head to the sky, proclaiming his victory to gods and men. The black behemoth below him lies motionless in the dirt. There can be only one ruler of this valley – and it is Devil Dinosaur!
The fans are on their feet! “DE-VIL! DE-VIL! DE-VIL!” Moon Boy runs into the center of the ring to meet Devil Dinosaur. The red ravager, so violent just seconds before, leans over to nuzzle his friend. The bond between them remains unbroken. “I knew you could do it, Devil!” cries Moon Boy.
Congratulations to our World Champion T-Rex: Devil Dinosaur! Our champion will take home these amazing prizes: a lifetime supply of Stegosaurus Steaks and Spicy Pterodactyl Wings from Caveman Carl’s Paleozoic Pizza! An indestructible adamantium Championship Medallion! A complete DVD collection of Ray Harryhausen movies, remastered in 5.1 surround sound! A three-movie contract with Marvel/Disney, with 75% royalties on toys and merchandising! And… a lifetime subscription to Mars Will Send No More!
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for participating in The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness for Tyrannosaurs! Please watch out for the Judges as you leave the Coliseum. The penalties for illegal gambling on dinosaur fights are rather harsh!