T-Rex Beat Down, Final Championship: Satanus vs. Devil Dinosaur!

Tags

Devil Dinosaur, dinosaur, March Madness, Satanus, T-Rex Beat Down, tyrannosaurus, tyrannosaurus rex

Welcome to the Final Championship Round of The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness with Tyrannosaurs!

Fighting today for the title of T-Rex World Champion: Jack Kirby’s Devil Dinosaur and Pat Mills’ Satanus! Devil Dinosaur conquered a telepathic tyrannosaur and devoured Jim Lawson’s Loner. Satanus destroyed the Tyrannosaurus of Jurassic Park and murdered his own mother: Old One Eye.

We invite you to cast your own vote for your favorite in this match. Will your favorite Rex reign as the tyrant supreme – or sleep with the mother$#&%ing fishes tonight?!? We’re about to find out!

T-Rex Beat Down is a co-blogging series presented in partnership with Paul O’Connor of The LongBox Graveyard. Let’s give credit where credit is due: March Madness for Tyrannosaurs was Paul’s idea in the first place! Paul wrote the Tale of the Tape for half our contestants and scripted three of our battles. Plus, we put him in charge of feeding the tyrant lizards for a few days. His kids didn’t complain about taking the Rexes out for walks every night – although no one volunteered to sweep out the stalls!

Now let’s get to our final Championship Round!

The crowd is going wild today, Rex fans! Half of the audience is chanting, “De-VIL! De-VIL!” Half of them are chanting, “Sa-tan-US! Sa-tan-US!” It sounds like a gathering of 50,000 Satan worshippers in here! The noise is stunning, horrible, and strangely exciting.

Moon Boy stands in Devil Dinosaur’s corner, quietly talking to his big red friend. Devil seems agitated. He suffered a lot of wounds in his first two rounds. Some of his supporters have bet against him today, believing the relatively unhurt Satanus has the winning edge.

Satanus rages furiously in his corner. He’s already eaten four of the handlers assigned to keep him in his corner until the starting bell rings. Is there no quelling the fires of rage that burn in his black heart?

What’s this? We just received word that Judge Dredd and an army of Judges are waiting outside the stadium. They say they are going to arrest everyone who exits the Coliseum of Cretaceous Carnage – for illegal gambling on dinosaur fights! Someone please tell us we built a secret escape route for the Press and Staff!

Oh, well – no time to worry about that now.
There’s the Starting Bell! Let’s tune in for the play-by-play!

Satanus and Devil Dinosaur immediately leap at each other! Two sets of horrifying jaws slash the air, looking for the fatal death grip on their opponent. Locked in struggle, each batters the other, trying for a take-down.

Their heads smash into one another, and the stunning blow breaks them apart for a moment. Satanus whips his tail at Devil’s injured leg, still smarting from his Semifinal battle. Devil falls, roaring in agony! But, no sooner does the roar escape his mouth than his open jaws clamp down on Satanus’ right knee.

Devil snaps his head to one side. With a sickening crunch, Satanus’ knee shatters! Blood and bone fragments spray onto the ground as the air trembles with his angry screams. Devil rolls away, narrowly escaping a killer strike from Satanus’ serrated teeth.

As Devil rolls away, Satanus’ leg gives out and he falls on his mutilated knee. RRAAAAOOOOAAARRGGHHH!!!! Slobber flies from his jaws as the agony drives him further into the depths of enraged insanity. Devil regains his feet and jumps in for the kill. He meets the open mouth of Satanus!

Deflected, Devil falls to one side as Satanus rakes the air with his fearsome choppers. But, Devil now has the upper hand. His opponent stays rooted to the ground, unable to rise. Devil backs off slightly, circling his foe just beyond the range of the terrible teeth.

Satanus fans hurl skulls, beer cans, and insults at Devil. Struck by the garbage, he turns to the stands and roars his anger! “Don’t listen to them, Devil,” shouts Moon Boy. “Go for the kill!” The sound of his friend’s voice brings Devil back to the task at hand.

Devil circles swiftly as Satanus whips that terrifying black tail at him again. Devil leaps over the tail, falling on Satanus’ back this time. The claws of his feet sink into the flesh of the Black Tyrannosaur, gripping him firmly. His strikes, his jaws clamping onto Satanus’ neck in a deadly, implacable embrace!

Satanus howls! The humiliation angers the lord of the Cursed Earth far more than the pain. He rolls onto his back, seeking to dislodge the red fury that assails him. But no impact can dislodge the mighty Devil Dinosaur now! Devil savagely twists his grip on Satanus, but the Black Tyrannosaur proves too strong for a neck break.

Pushing away from Satanus, Devil smashes him again and again in the face with his giant red tail! The impact stuns Satanus just long enough for Devil to strike a killing blow. He finds Satanus’ jugular with his massive teeth – and pulls!

A gurgling scream escapes Satanus, and streams of blood gush from his throat. Devil pounces on the fallen Rex again, slashing and scraping violently. Pound after pound of reptilian steak rips away from the body of Satanus. The beast who could not die breathes his last breath.

RRRRRRAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!! Devil raises his head to the sky, proclaiming his victory to gods and men. The black behemoth below him lies motionless in the dirt. There can be only one ruler of this valley – and it is Devil Dinosaur!

The fans are on their feet! “DE-VIL! DE-VIL! DE-VIL!” Moon Boy runs into the center of the ring to meet Devil Dinosaur. The red ravager, so violent just seconds before, leans over to nuzzle his friend. The bond between them remains unbroken. “I knew you could do it, Devil!” cries Moon Boy.

Congratulations to our World Champion T-Rex: Devil Dinosaur! Our champion will take home these amazing prizes: a lifetime supply of Stegosaurus Steaks and Spicy Pterodactyl Wings from Caveman Carl’s Paleozoic Pizza! An indestructible adamantium Championship Medallion! A complete DVD collection of Ray Harryhausen movies, remastered in 5.1 surround sound! A three-movie contract with Marvel/Disney, with 75% royalties on toys and merchandising! And… a lifetime subscription to Mars Will Send No More!

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for participating in The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness for Tyrannosaurs! Please watch out for the Judges as you leave the Coliseum. The penalties for illegal gambling on dinosaur fights are rather harsh!

Our final Bracket of Brutality: Championship Round!

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T-Rex Beat Down, Semi-Finals Round Two: Satanus vs. Old One Eye!

Tags

dinosaur, March Madness, Old One Eye, Paul O'Connor, Satanus, T-Rex Beat Down, tyrannosaurus, tyrannosaurus rex

Welcome to the Second Semi-Finals Round of The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness with Tyrannosaurs! Join us every day through April 2nd as eight fearsome tyrannosaurs fight for the world T-Rex championship title!

T-Rex Beat Down is a co-blogging series presented in partnership with The LongBox Graveyard, who brings you today’s play-by-play.

In today’s Semi-Finals round: Two monsters from the mind of Pat Mills, raging into the arena from the pages of 2000 AD: Satanus and Old One Eye! We invite you to cast your own vote for your favorite in this match. Will your favorite Rex annihilate all enemies – or feed the worms?!? We’re about to find out!

But first: Survey Results! Fans are evenly split over the Quarterfinals match between Satanus and The Tyrannosaurus from Jurrassic Park. Here is our favorite dissenting opinion against the victory of Satanus: “No contest, no question. The Tyrannosaurs Rex from JP is going to be the absolute champion. He is not only the best representation of a rex brought to life, but he took on two raptors with ease… And he ate a slimy lawyer. Total Boss to the Max!” We can only say that Velociraptors are actually the size of turkeys, and Satanus aint no turkey! But feel free to curse Satanus in today’s round – it only makes him angrier.

And now, let’s get to the ring for the Main Event!

Our semifinal features two fresh Rexes that benefitted from walk-overs in the first round. Old One Eye dispatched an aged King Kong T-Rex with a desultory swat of her mighty tail, and Satanus curb-stomped movie star Jurassic Park T-Rex before the pampered faux Tyrant Lizard knew the contest had begun. But now, in the Semis, $#@% gets real in a rematch 65 million years in the making! Yep, it’s Satanus against the Rex that murdered him at the dawn of time: Old One Eye, who also just happens to be his mother! It’s a saurian tragedy of Shakespearean dimensions!
Let’s see what happened the last time these two behemoths battled!

Each Rex enters the arena silently, never averting their gaze from their foe, never allowing themselves the luxury of a challenging bellow. This is serious. This is personal. The Rexes approach each other slowly – not reluctantly, but savoring each three-toed step. Each Rex has been here before, and if they feel any terror at all of the clash that is to come, it is trumped by far with the nervous thrill of battle, with knowing that here at last is a foe each combatant deems worthy!

There’s nothing tougher in sport than beating a rival in tournament time after trouncing them in the regular season, but that is what Old One Eye must do. It’s been strange eons since last these two locked in battle, but to Satanus – so recently reincarnated after his sleep of ages – it feels like only yesterday. Only yesterday he fell in battle to his hag-bitch of a mother. Only yesterday he foolishly initiated the ten hour battle for mastery of the pack that left him dead, but not before Old One Eye had broken every bone in Satanus’ body.

Every bone! Better than two hundred of them. Every bone broken. Every one of them a painful lesson. Every one of them a shattered seed of hate.

Old One Eye is still masterful, still the meanest hunk of Tyrannosaurus to ever stalk the earth. But this time, there’s something different. Something small, something almost insignificant – but something Satanus hopes will give him the edge to kill the monster that birthed him. If he can just live long enough …

They’re within striking distance now, and Satanus begins slowly circling to his right. To his right. Old One Eye turns with him, craning her neck, keeping her one good eye fixed on her foe. She snarls in savage triumph. Satanus is playing right into her clutches! She slides a half-step closer to Satanus with each turn of the spiral. Close. Closer still. Almost there … and strike!

Old One Eye lashes out, her tail whipping toward Satanus, fast as lightning. She’ll take his legs out from beneath him, then pounce on his throat and …

But what’s this? Her tail sweep meets only empty air! Satanus anticipates her attack, leaps in the air, narrowly clearing her whip-snap swipe. And then he lands, shaking the arena floor, and rapidly circles again, to his left.

To his left!

Old One Eye is caught off balance. She has to crane her neck to the left as she turns to her right! She spins herself about, half-off-balance for snapping around in a panic. The one insignificant difference from the time she fought and killed Satanus flares up to haunt her: her eye! Her cursed missing eye! Satanus is in her blind spot!

His eyes gleaming insanely, the black beast attacks in a frenzy! He seizes the base of Old One Eye’s tail in his jaws. He hardly feels the pain as he Old One Eye tears into his back. The tables are turned. The pupil has become the master. With evil cunning, Satanus uses the terrible daggers of his teeth to tear off his mother’s tail!

Unable to keep her balance, Old One Eye slips in the fast-spreading pool of her own blood, and falls. Waving his trophy of a tail about, Satanus glares down at his dying mother, and unleashes a screeching litany of hate! He spits free his grisly trophy and lunges in for the kill…

Old One Eye lashes out! Was she laying in wait, or are these her death paroxysms? The effect is the same: Satanus turns aside at just the last moment, and the hind claws that might have disemboweled him instead rake the black Tyrannosaurus’ flanks. He screams in pain and rage. So it is to be that way, is it, mother? IS IT?

Satanus backs off, begins to circle. Turning to the left … to the left … Old One Eye is on her back, unable to stand. Crab-like, she tries to turn, her head craning about, trying to keep Satanus in her field of vision. Her life’s blood is pumping into the sands of the arena through the severed stump of her tail, and she suddenly begins to feel every one of her 65 million years age.

But Satanus is enraged, now, and he won’t make this easy. In a twisted kind of respect for the hag-bitch that gave him life, Satanus might have granted his foe an easy death. But that fresh claw gouge along his flanks has reawakened all the pain and humiliation of his defeat at Old One Eye’s jaws so many ages ago. And now… she must pay.

He circles again and again. Old One Eye grows dizzy, begins snapping her head back and forth, frantic, beyond panic. Satanus lures her with his slow, rhythmic steps. Then, like lightning, he strikes! He pounces on his mother’s back, biting firmly on the back of her neck, but he does not close his jaws. No, that would be too easy. Old One Eye has forfeited her right to an easy death. Instead, he pins her helpless as he stomps on her ribs, hearing them crack.

That’s for YOU, mom. That’s five bones broken. One hundred ninety-five to go.

Old One Eye screams, twists her neck, tries to shake the black T-Rex from her back, but Satanus has her in a death grip, helpless as a kitten held by the scruff of her neck. STOMP! SNAP! STOMP! SNAP! On and on it goes, the horrible revenge of Satanus! The crowd is silent. This isn’t battle. This is murder! Someone should stop it! But who dares confront the evil Satanus, meting out pain so savage even his diabolic namesake would turn away in disgust?

STOMP! SNAP! STOMP! SNAP! Two hundred bones, every one of them breaking. Old One Eye’s flesh and organs stomped into jelly.

Killing Old One Eye doesn’t take a fraction of the ten hours it took Satanus to expire when he first fought his mother, all those years ago. But it still seems to last a lifetime, and it is NOT A NICE WAY TO DIE!

The victor: SATANUS!! Revenge is a dish best served hot and squirming!

Behold the Bracket of Brutality going into the Finals (Click for Full Size.)

 

 

WINNER OF THIS ROUND: Satanus, the Black Tyrannosaur!

Be here tomorrow for the FINAL CHAMPIONSHIP Round: Satanus versus Devil Dinosaur!

T-Rex Beat Down, Semi-Finals Round One: Loner vs. Devil Dinosaur!

Tags

Devil Dinosaur, Loner, March Madness, T-Rex Beat Down, tyrannosaurus rex, tyrannosuarus

Welcome to the First Semi-Finals Round of The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness with Tyrannosaurs! Join us every day through April 2nd as eight fearsome tyrannosaurs fight for the world T-Rex championship title!

T-Rex Beat Down is a co-blogging series presented in partnership with The LongBox Graveyard.

In today’s Semi-Finals round: Jack Kirby’s Devil Dinosaur and Jim Lawson’s Loner! We invite you to cast your own vote for your favorite in this match. Will your favorite Rex rule the roost – or end up with his head on a spit?!? We’re about to find out!

Devil Dinosaur defeated a telepathic tyrannosaurus in the Quarterfinals, and Loner conquered Gwangi the Allosaurus. Devil remains virtually unscathed after his violent victory, but Loner took some bad hits from Harryhausen’s spunky stop-action menace.

Since you already met them both in the Quarters, let’s go ringside now for a quick interview with our carnivorous cretaceous contestants!

Mars: Devil, you broke the bonds of mind control to take a victory in the Quarters. How do you feel?

Devil Dinosaur: RRRROOOAAAARRRRRRGGHH!!!

Moon Boy: The great Devil says, “There can only be one ruler of this land – and it is Devil Dinosaur!”

Mars: — Thank you, Moon Boy, for that translation! Tell us, Devil, as you gear up for today’s fight, what’s your impression of Loner?

Devil Dinosaur: NNYYAAARRRRRRR! AAAROOOO!!!

Moon Boy: Mighty Devil says, “Loner is a fearsome warrior, but there can be only one ruler of this land!”

Mars: Right on! Thank you Moon Boy – and good luck to you, Devil!

Devil Dinosaur: GGGGRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!

Moving right along! Let’s check in with Jim Lawson’s Loner.

Mars: Loner, you took some nasty bites from Gwangi in the Quarter—

Loner: RRRAAAAKKKK! GGRRRRAAAOOOOORRRRGGHH!

Mars: Whoa, easy there big fella! We just – hey… HEY! Put down my camera-man! Ah- NO!! Do you know how much those guys cost?!?

Loner: (shakes the dismembered carcass of our camera-man violently) RRRROOOOOAAAAA!!!!

Mars: Ah geez. Guys, call Sid’s family. It aint gonna be pretty. Listen, Loner, we know things went badly with your mother when you were little. Have you spoken to her since the Beat Down began?

Loner: NNNNAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! GGGAARRRRRRRR!!

Mars: Alright! Sounds like a NO! And that’s all we have time for right now. Let’s get back to our seats!

And there’s the starting bell! Let’s tune in to the Play By Play!

Devil leaps into action to deliver one of his powerhouse jump-kicks. But Loner clamps his massive jaws onto Devil’s leg mid-air and slams him to the ground. Oh! Loner shakes the leg ferociously as blood sprays the arena.

Devil Dinosaur kicks into Loner’s belly, tearing huge gouges in Loner’s underside with his terrible claws. But Loner won’t give up the leg! Devil kicks him in the throat. Savagery! Devil yanks his trapped leg towards the ground, smashing Loner’s face into the earth.

Finally Loner’s hold on the leg is broken! Devil struggles to his feet as Loner shakes off the pain in his snout. Devil stands, favoring his injured leg, and howls a provocative roar at Loner. “Come and get some,” he seems to say.

Loner charges in for the kill. Devil pivots and blocks with his shoulder. The force of the impact takes them both to the ground! They tumble over each other, jaws snapping at the air, searching for meat and blood. It looks like Loner is going to find his feet first. No! Devil’s teeth clamp down on Loner’s left arm. Devil jerks his head to one side and – off comes Loner’s arm! That’s gotta hurt.

Loner shrieks as the bloody hole in his shoulder spurts streams of blood all over Devil Dinosaur. He whips his tail at Devil’s face. A hit! The severed arm gets stuck in Devil’s throat. His eyes bulge. He claws at nothing, gasping for air.

Loner charges again. As he slams into Devil, he inadvertently dislodges the arm in Devil’s throat. Saved by a savage Heimlich maneuver, Devil’s back in the game! Knocked to the ground, Devil kicks his one good leg at Loner. Loner goes down!

Devil pounces on top of Loner, looking to go for the kill with his powerful jaws. But every snap is met with an equally ferocious snap from Loner! Kicking the red dinosaur off of him, Loner gets back on his feet. He lunges at Devil, tearing a slice of rib meat from Devil’s side.

But as Loner raises his head to swallow his Prime Rex Rib, Devil goes for the throat! At lightning speed, Devil’s jaws close in on the trachea and jugular of Jim Lawson’s juggernaut. A hideous roar of hatred echoes throughout the arena as Loner gushes blood into Devil’s mouth.

Devil’s frightening serrated teeth slice through veins and respiratory passages until… he tears them away! Whoa! We see a gaping hole in Loner’s throat as he falls to the ground. Devil leaps onto Loner. He’s going to confirm the kill! He tears pound after pound of meat from the other tyrannosaur until Loner stops twitching. Then, Devil raises his head to the sky to trumpet his victory! RRRRRAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!! AAARRAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!

WINNER OF THIS ROUND: Devil Dinosaur!
Wounded but victorious, Devil Dinosaur will go on to the Championship Round! BE HERE! Come back for our Second Semi-finals Round tomorrow!

T-Rex Beat Down, Round Four: Satanus vs. the T-Rex of Jurassic Park!

Tags

dinosaur, Jurassic Park, March Madness, Satanus, T-Rex Beat Down, tyrannosaurus rex, tyrannosuarus

Welcome to the Fourth Quarterfinals Round of The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness with Tyrannosaurs! Join us every day through April 2nd as eight fearsome tyrannosaurs fight for the world T-Rex championship title!

T-Rex Beat Down is a co-blogging series presented in partnership with The LongBox Graveyard, who brings you today’s exclusive play-by-play.

Today’s dinosaurs of destruction: 2000 AD’s Satanus and The T-Rex from Jurassic Park! We invite you to cast your own vote for this match. Will your favorite killer conquer, or be tossed to the pterosaurs?!? We’re about to find out!

But first: Survey Results! Votes for favorites continue to stream in from our Quarterfinals rounds. Loner’s up in the polls over Gwangi now by 80% of fan votes! More fans chimed in on the controversial match between Old One Eye and the T-Rex of Skull Island: Old One Eye is up from 0% favorite to a full 33%. We knew Old One Eye had some support out there! For yesterday’s Devil Dinosuar vs. Trax Beat Down, 100% of fans voted for Jack Kirby’s jumping juggernaut. A small sample of your thoughts: “Devil Rex has a cool name, cooler backstory and is the brainchild of Jack Kirby… No contest.” And, “A Jack Kirby creation! Nuff said!”
We couldn’t agree more.

Now, on to today’s main event! As our two Cretaceous contestants approach the Colosseum, let’s review The Tale of the Tape:

Satanus:

Restored to life by DNA science in a Judge Dredd comic a full dozen years before Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park novel, Satanus is black, mean, and loves the taste of human flesh. Spawned 65 million years ago from the hellish loins of Old One Eye, Satanus had every bone in his body broken in a grueling, ten hour battle for supremacy with his mother and pack leader. Raised from the dead in a world he never made, the memory of every one of those broken bones made Satanus that much more evil. Put on exhibit in Dinosaur National Park, Satanus shrugged off the effects of his drugged meat to eat a half-dozen tourists – which only increased his infamy! Following the apocalypse that created the Cursed Earth, Satanus broke into the wild where he rose to command a vicious T-Rex pack.

Nearly impossible to kill and the continuing star of several 2000 A.D. comic series, Satanus might be the most cruel dinosaur in our competition. If he has any weakness at all, it might be complacency from so many years of easy kills offered up by the fearful mutants who worshipped him. But, his name should give you a clue to his nature. Woe betide the man who thinks he’s seen the last of Satanus, a remorseless monster from the dawn of time!
Let’s have a look at one of Satanus’ classic kills:

The Tyrannosaurus of Jurassic Park:

The T-Rex so singular that he has no name — the unquestioned and undefeated star of the mega-blockbuster Jurassic Park! Resurrected by reckless science, he smashes a jeep, menaces little kids, eats a lawyer off a toilet, and swats velociraptors like flies. Unique among our contestants, The Tyrannosaurus was undefeated, surviving his movie and closing out the picture with an Oscar-worthy close-up while a “When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth” banner tumbles to the ground!

Unfortunately, Hollywood insiders report The Tyrannosaurus is a prima dona, ordering flunkies around on the set by waving his little arms, demanding bowls of green M&Ms in his trailer, and leaving his most dangerous silver screen moments to an unnamed stunt T-Rex. Also, he’s kind of stupid, and tracks on movement.
Let’s have a look at some of this monster’s best moments!

And it’s almost time for the starting bell – let’s be sure we get some good seats for the Play By Play!

How Satanus has waited for this.

Born – and killed – 65 million years ago, then resurrected by science gone mad, the evil Tyrannosaurus men call Satanus is as bitter, vengeful, and petty as his namesake. Yes, Satanus has an Enemies List, and it is 65 million years long! It is a list of the fools – reptilian and otherwise – who would deny Satanus’ right to rule, and to feed. Hatred powers Satanus’ dark heart, pulses like black venom through his veins. All must die, all must suffer! And there is only ONE T-Rex that Satanus hates more than Jurassic Rex… his own cursed mother, Old One Eye.

But THAT score must wait.

Ah, and what a fine appetizer is paired with Satanus in the arena today. Look at him, preening, waving to the crowd with his absurd little arms. He knows his best angle – of course he does. He turns for the camera, just so, displaying the toothy profile that dropped a million hearts into the sink of fear. The Jurassic Park T-Rex, feared and beloved by this race of puny humans. How little they know… lauding those FOOLS Crichton and Spielberg for “storytelling genius” that brought dinosaurs back from extinction with recovered DNA. A brilliant idea – an idea that had already been unleashed upon an oblivious world a full dozen years before, when mighty Satanus was rescued from the lost eons, and reborn to walk the earth in Dinosaur National Park!

This simpering, pampered, make-believe tyrant lizard. How DARE he share a stage with Satanus? While Jurassic Rex was walking the red carpet and dining on starlets, where was Satanus? FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE in Dinosaur National Park, and rising through guile and terror to command a pack of ravenous Tyrannosaurs! And now, at last, the moment of Satanus’ redemption is at hand. All he need do is wait for the signal to begin the match.

Wait? For MEN to tell him it is time to feed? NEVER!

Satanus jumps the gun, pounces on Jurassic Rex from behind. The crowd is aghast. The control room is apoplectic – they’re still in commercial break! Jurassic Rex never knew what hit him. He’s dead before Satanus has swallowed the chunk of flesh he’s torn from the disbelieving movie star’s neck. When Satanus rolls his foe over and claws at his soft underbelly it is merely for effect… and for the sheer joy of watching his foe bleed.

Stunned silence grips the crowd. Satanus turns his bloody face toward the cameras – oh yes, Satanus knows HIS best angle, too – and lets loose a roar heard around the world, a roar that says WHERE IS YOUR STUNT REX NOW, WORM??

The victor: SATANUS, in a first-round knockout! And it wasn’t even close!

ROUND FOUR WINNER: Satanus!
Come back tomorrow for the first of our two Semi-Final Rounds!

Here’s our Bracket of Brutality after our four Quarterfinals. Click for Full Size.

T-Rex Beat Down, Round Three: Devil Dinosaur vs. Trax!

Tags

Devil Dinosaur, evil telepathic dinosaur, March Madness, T-Rex Beat Down, Trax, Tyrannosaur Mentalis, tyrannosaurus rex, tyrannosuarus

Welcome to the Third Quarterfinals Round of The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness with Tyrannosaurs! Join us every day through April 2nd as eight fearsome tyrannosaurs fight for the world T-Rex championship title!

T-Rex Beat Down is a co-blogging series presented in partnership with The LongBox Graveyard.

Today’s brutal saurian contenders: Jack Kirby’s Devil Dinosaur and Trax, the Telepathic Tyrannosaur! We invite you to cast your own vote for your favorite in this match. Will your favorite dominate – or end up as dino-burgers?!? We’re about to find out!

But first: Survey Results! Yes, Survey Results are in from our first two Rounds: So far, 67% of respondents picked Loner as a favorite over Gwangi. Loner fans, we will see him again in the Semi-Finals! You wrote that Loner has “heart, character,” and “an advantage in bite size and force.” Gwangi supporters unanimously shouted, “Ray Harryhausen!”

100% of respondents favored the T-Rex of Skull Island over Old One Eye from 2000 AD. Wow! Skull Island fans, we love ya! Here’s a sample of your responses: “Old One Eye is good, but Kong Rex was one of the first and one of the best!” “They don’t play on Skull Island!” “He lasted on an island with Kong for years… Bad ass enough for me.” Feel free to send Old One Eye your hate mail and pelt her with Diplodocus dung from the stands – it only makes her fight harder!

Now, on to today’s main event! As our two terrible tyrants approach the arena of carnivorous carnage, let’s get The Tale of the Tape:

Trax (Tyrannosaur Mentalis):

Trax appeared in Brain Boy #6 in 1963. He possesses telepathic powers to read both animal and human minds, and hypnotic powers to ruthlessly control those minds! Ruler of the Late Cretaceous with nine others like him, Trax survived the ice age to be resurrected by atomic weapons testing. He proceeded to destroy radio communications, enslave all the locals, and begin his evil master plan: enslaving all humans like cattle to feed his hideous children! On the downside, Brain Boy took him out by thinking him to death.
Let’s look at how Trax’s super-intelligence ruled the Cretaceous:

Devil Dinosaur:

Jack Kirby created Devil Dinosaur in 1978. Permanently tattooed red by a fire in his youth, Devil Dinosaur possesses a nearly-human intelligence. He used his reptilian brian to destroy aliens and giant ants through planning, not just his considerable physical force. His powerful fighting skills include high-jumping and kicking hard enough to punt a triceratops. On the downside, his proclivities for fighting and ruling render him reckless in the face of dangers he doesn’t fully understand. He is rarely seen without his companion Moon Boy, who was not allowed on for the ride in this fight!
Let’s have a view of Devil in action:

And there’s the starting bell!
Let’s go to the ring for the Play By Play!

As the contestants circle, Devil Dinosaur remembers what Moon Boy told him before the fight: don’t look Trax in the eye! Trax’s hypnotic powers have led many a dinosaur to its doom. Devil plans to feint and then leap at Trax to deliver a crushing kick – but misses! He lunges again – and misses!

Trax knows he has this round under control. He can read Devil’s mind, therefore knowing everything the red dinosaur plans. All he has to do is wear Devil down, and then exert his hypnotic power before delivering a killing blow.

Devil pauses, unsure how to defeat an opponent who seems to know exactly where he will strike next. Looking his opponent over for a sign of weakness, he chances to meet Trax’s terrible gaze. “Yes, Devil,” roars Trax. “Feel your will slipping away! You are mine to control!”

Devil struggles as Trax menacingly approaches him. His mind begins to slip away. The slobbering jaws of his foe open before him as he stands transfixed. But if Trax can read Devil’s thoughts, then victory lies not in Devil’s super intelligence, but with his killer instinct!

Retreating from his forebrain, Devil plunges into the black waters of his tyrannosaurid unconscious. As Trax moves in for the kill, Devil strikes from a ferocious place no one can control!

The surprise attack locks the two monsters in close combat, whirling and slashing their huge jaws! Devil’s fighting skills prove savagely superior to Trax, who spent the late cretaceous hypnotizing his way to victory. Devil slashes at Trax’s face, lacerating one hypnotic eye. Devil cannot stop to think, or his moves will be telepathically apprehended. He simply attacks again and again – without thought or reason!

Trax bellows his pain. “NNYYAARRRGGGHH!!! Damn you, Devil!” Trax’s big, deliberate brain becomes a disadvantage against the unreasoning red fury ripping and tearing at his body. Trax whips his tail; but, Devil instinctively leaps over it, smashing into Trax and taking him to the ground.

Devil stomps and stomps at Trax’s skull until the concussive bludgeoning renders that big telepathic brain totally useless. As Trax lies stunned, Devil bends down to rip mouthfuls of meat from Trax’s face and throat until he is sure his opponent is dead.

He reaches his powerful jaws to the sky and roars his victory. There can be only one ruler of this quarterfinals round – and it is Devil Dinosaur! Moon Boy races onto the field and embraces his big red buddy.

ROUND THREE WINNER: Devil Dinosaur!
Come back tomorrow for ROUND FOUR: Satanus vs. The T-Rex from Jurassic Park!

T-Rex Beat Down, Round Two: Old One Eye vs. the T-Rex of Skull Island!

Tags

Kong Rex, March Madness, Old One Eye, Skull Island, T-Rex Beat Down, tyrannosaurus rex, tyrannosuarus

Welcome to the Second Quarterfinals Round of The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness with Tyrannosaurs! Join us every day through April 2nd as eight fearsome tyrannosaurs fight for the world T-Rex championship title!

T-Rex Beat Down is a co-blogging series presented in partnership with The LongBox Graveyard, who brings you today’s exclusive play-by-play.

Today’s prehistoric powerhouses: The original 1933 T-Rex from Skull Island and 2000 AD’s Old One Eye! We invite you to cast your own vote for this match. Will your favorite Rex rule the day, or be crushed in the jaws of death?!? We’re about to find out!

As our two Cretaceous contestants approach the Colosseum, let’s take a moment to catch The Tale of the Tape:

The T-Rex of Skull Island (Kong Rex):

Old school! Created for the 1933 film King Kong, the T-Rex of Skull Island is not quite the first, but certainly the greatest black & white film Tyrannosaurus. He would have been king of Skull Island if not for that meddling ape! His battle with King Kong set the bar for every stop-motion dinosaur beat-down to follow! His cry sounded scary as hell. He did a somersault over King Kong’s back, and he had a taste for the ladies, too. Weakness: There’s no denying it, this T-Rex had a glass jaw. A couple right crosses from the big gorilla put the T-Rex down. Then, it was only a matter of time before Kong tore open the Rex’s face in a gout of black blood and sound so gruesome that, seventy-five years later, audiences still look away in disgust. It was the Joe Theismann leg break of Tyrannosaurus kills!
Let’s have a look at the memorable battle from Skull Island:

Old One Eye:

Created by Pat Mills, Old One Eye appeared in 2000 AD #1-19, in the Flesh storyline. Fueled by rage, the “Queen of the Dinosaurs” killed all of her human and reptilian foes – even the time-traveling humans armed with planes, guns, and knives. Unbeatable in her day, hailed as the “greatest monster of all time,” Old One Eye eventually died of natural causes at 120 years old in the Tyrannosaur Graveyard. But, even her lifeless bones killed scientists who studied her fossil! Weakness: She does have a blind side.
Let’s get a taste of the rage inside this monster:

And there’s the starting bell! Let’s go to the ring for the Play By Play!

Kong Rex feels every one of his eighty years. He can’t believe he has been called upon to fight! He belongs in a museum… not here, among these young, rampaging monsters. Punk kids. Cartoon dinosaurs and computer-generated simulacrums. Only he is real, only he is genuine. And he might have been a contender, if not for that cursed King Kong, the master of Skull Island.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda… the life of Kong Rex has been one of manipulation and injustice. He was literally a puppet, made to take a fall for the glory of that absurd ape! As if a gorilla could fell a T-Rex with a blow to the head. They said he had a glass jaw, but it was a fix! The animators made him do it, matching him in battle with King Kong, controlling his every movement, an inch at a time. Move! Hold still! Move! Hold still! Again and again and again, through all the long weeks and months, all the time knowing his fight with the ape must end with his preordained and entirely unwarranted defeat.

And with that breaking of his snout! Ugh!

He deserved better. And seventy years ago, he might have won a rematch. Even fifty years ago, he could have made short work of a Gwangi, or a Jurassic Rex. But Kong Rex is old. Stiff-kneed, black and white, old – he knows his hours are numbered.

His opponent is Old One-Eye, a living, breathing beast from the dawn of time, the most fearsome T-Rex in prehistory. She is vicious, strong, battle-scarred from innumerable contests to the death with the numberless dinosaurs that foolishly opposed her right to rule. What an opponent to draw in the first round! Kong Rex has no chance. None. He could have been a contender… but the Fix was in. Again. Coulda, shoulda, woulda…

But with the dignity befitting his legacy as not quite the first, but certainly the greatest screen T-Rex for half a century, Kong Rex strides boldly into the arena. He won’t let the bastards see him sweat. He unleashes his hellish, snake-like cry, and shivers his tail like a sinuous serpent. Still terrifying, after all these years! And for a moment, at least, the Old Grey Rex is in his glory. For a moment, he is young again, the unchallenged master of Skull Island (aside from THAT APE!)

And what is this? Old One-Eye… is bowing? It’s unprecedented! This savage bitch from the unholy past is showing… respect? She must know – must understand – how much old Kong Rex meant to generations of T-Rex fans, how he set the bar for Tyrant Lizards in those long, lean years before comics and movies came to truly give dinosaurs their due. Kong Rex was the light in the darkness. Kong Rex should have a star on Hollywood Boulevard!

Kong Rex closes his eyes, nods slightly, acknowledging this unexpected tribute. Maybe, after all, his life has not been a waste.

The starting horn is still echoing when Old One-Eye bitch-slaps Kong Rex across the arena with one swipe of her mighty tail. Kong Rex lands heavily, his back broken. Old One-Eye is upon him, biting and clawing. Kong Rex howls his last – not the jaws, not again! But, it is too late. Old One-Eye has exhausted her limited supply of empathy. She wedges her foot in Kong Rex’s mouth, and then fixes her jaws on Kong Rex’s snout. She levers open Kong Rex’s jaws, pulling them impossibly wide… wider… wider still!

A sickening crunch and a gout of black blood and it is done. Again. Kong Rex lies lifeless on the floor of the arena, his face a bloody ruin, his jaw broken at an impossible angle. He should have been a contender. Coulda, shouda, woulda…

The victor: a surprisingly sentimental OLD ONE-EYE!

ROUND TWO WINNER: Old One Eye!
Come back tomorrow for ROUND THREE: Devil Dinosaur versus the Telepathic Tyrannosaur!

T-Rex Beat Down, Round One: Gwangi vs. Loner!

Tags

Gwangi, Loner, March Madness, T-Rex Beat Down, tyrannosaurus rex, tyrannosuarus

Welcome to the first Quarterfinals Round of The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness with Tyrannosaurs! Join us every day from March 24-April 2 as eight fearsome tyrannosaurs fight for the world T-Rex championship title!

T-Rex Beatdown is a co-blogging series presented in partnership with The LongBox Graveyard.

Today’s prehistoric contestants: Gwangi, from Valley of the Gwangi, versus Jim Lawson’s Loner! We invite you to cast your own vote for your favorite in this match. Will your favorite win or end up as Rex food?!? We’re about to find out!

As our first two T-Rex superstars roar into the ring, let’s take a moment to get The Tale of the Tape:

Gwangi (Valley of the Gwangi):

Little-seen but never bettered in the stop-motion era, Gwangi was the creation of movie effects god Ray Harryhausen! Gwangi is an Allosaurus, not a T-Rex, but he made the field by killing Barney the Purple Dinosaur in the play-in game. Punching way above his weight to be in this all-Rex competition, Gwangi is still a force to be reckoned with. He’s a creature from out of time, tough enough to survive into the present age in an isolated valley in the Mexican wilderness. Before CGI changed everything, Gwangi set the gold standard for anatomically-correct stop-motion dinosaur thrills! On the downside, Gwangi has the personality of a dishrag and was once lassoed by lame cowboys. The odds are against Gwangi getting out of the first round; but, even with those tiny arms, his Harryhausen pedigree gives Gwangi a puncher’s chance!
Let’s see a clip of Gwangi in action against a Styracosuarus!

Jim Lawson’s Loner:

Jim Lawson created Loner in 2011 for his web comic Paleo: Loner. Mistreated and unloved as an infant, Loner lived a hate-filled life enforcing brutal domination upon every creature he met. Feared and hated by every dinosaur, he came back as a ghost and killed some more! His only show of compassion or empathy was for a similarly mistreated young tyrannosaur. On the downside, he eats babies and tends to fight before he thinks.
Let’s have a look at this raging beast!

Loner by Jim Lawson

And there’s the starting bell! Let’s go to the ring for the Play By Play!

Our two contestants begin by circling each other suspiciously. They growl and roar a terrible rage that sends other animals scurrying into their dens or flying away. Loner, a full-grown Tyrannosaur, possesses a major size advantage over Gwangi – an Allosaurus. But, Gwangi doesn’t mind chewing on the horns on a Styracosaur. Gwangi puts his fearsome choppers to work on Loner by dashing in quickly and ripping at Loner’s underside.

The swift attack startles Loner, but he did not rise to the top of the food chain by being an easy target. Loner’s massive jaws strike down full-force at Gwangi, who fails to dodge in time.

Loner’s serrated teeth firmly clench the Allosaur as he whips Gwangi violently back and forth. A lesser dinosaur would lose consciousness. Gwangi lashes with his powerful tail and stabs Loner in the eye. Crying in pain, Loner releases Gwangi.

The hate rises within Loner, who swiftly charges his opponent. Gwangi leaps, attempting to jump onto Loner’s back, where he can safely tear away at the larger dinosaur. But all he manages to grab is the side of Loner’s neck.

Gushing blood into Gwangi’s mouth, Loner again strikes with his tyrant jaws. He clamps onto Gwangi’s back, gripping and ripping through the spinal column. Gwangi plummets to the ground, his central nervous system severed.

Loner falls upon his twitching body, tearing away huge slabs of meat. Loner roars again, declaring his victory in this quarterfinals round!

ROUND ONE WINNER: Jim Lawson’s Loner!
Come back tomorrow for ROUND TWO: Old One Eye vs. the T-Rex of Skull Island!

Announcing the T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness for Tyrannosaurs!

Tags

March Madness, T-Rex Beat Down, tyrannosaurus, tyrannosaurus rex

T-Rex March Madness! Who is the greatest T-Rex of them all?? Coinciding with this year’s NCAA March Madness, Mars Will Send No More welcomes you to the terrifying spectacle of The T-Rex Beat Down!

The T-Rex Beat Down stars eight of the greatest Tyrannosaurs of all time. Right here on Mars, they will fight for the T-Rex championship title. Join us every afternoon from March 27th through April 2nd for a blood-curdling T-Rex death match!

We proudly present this senses-shattering super-battle with The Longbox Graveyard‘s Paul O’Connor, connoisseur of cool and keeper of the Bronze Age flame. Together we will present seven T-Rex matches featuring the following tyrant lizards:

The T-Rex of Skull Island, from King Kong.
Old One Eye, from 2000 AD’s Flesh.
Gwangi, from Valley of the Gwangi.
Devil Dinosaur, by Jack Kirby.
Loner, by Jim Lawson.
Trax, the telepathic tyrannosaur from Brain Boy.
Satanus, from 2000 AD’s Judge Dredd.
The Tyrannosaurus from Jurassic Park.

Every day we’ll give you a Tale of The Tape, a brutal Play-by-Play, and a chance to vote for your favorites. The Quarterfinal matches begin tomorrow afternoon. See you then!

Behold the Bracket of Brutality! click for full size