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What kid wouldn’t jump at the chance to make all-out war in his own home? You get enough nuclear battle equipment for maximum effort warfare and massive counter-attack!

Dude, it used to be you could order guns, tobacco pipes, and ladies undergarments from comic books. You’d see an ad telling you to lose weight because no one likes fat people, then turn the page to an ad telling you to gain weight because no one likes skinny people. You could send away for the secrets of Kung Fu, a fake goatee, x-ray glasses, live seahorses, and necklaces with shark’s teeth.

Basically, if you ordered everything in a comic book, you’d have all the tools necessary to become the most awesome person on earth! Now it seems like it’s all anti-drug ads and video games. Kids, take our advice. Put down the video games, start doing drugs, get a fake goatee, learn Kung Fu, and impress the ladies with your live seahorse collection! And above all, make all-out war every chance you get. Parents love it when you turn their heavily-mortgaged house into a wasteland of trenches, landmines, and human suffering.

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