1968 was a great year to be a kid. For just $6.98 (plus 75 cents postage) two children could purchase their own fully functional Polaris Nuclear Submarine. Yes, fully functional. It had a real periscope, controls that really worked, and rockets that really fired. Screw you peace-loving hippies! Our kids were keeping an eye on the Red Menace, with their hands on the trigger!
This ad brings back so many fond memories of our childhood, where we routinely fired nuclear missiles at the godless oppressors with our little brothers and sisters. Every day, we’d flush the cooling water from the reactor into a large bucket. Mom would take it outside and dump it on the neighbors’ lawn. The neighbors never did know why all their flowers died and their pets grew hideously-deformed extra limbs. But that was the price of freedom in the good ol’ days!
It makes us sad, looking at the little tykes these days. They grow up with their padded car seats, their baby-on-board window hangers reminding everyone to be careful around them. Their Nerf guns fire foam-covered projectiles that hardly ever put an eye out. We teach them that bullies are bad and that they should not fight at recess. AARRGGHHH! You pussies! Weaklings! Learn how to operate a Polaris Nuclear Submarine! Feel the hot burn of uranium on your face in the morning and learn to love it! Atomize them all and let Jesus sort them out!