Welcome to the Second Semi-Finals Round of The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness with Tyrannosaurs! Join us every day through April 2nd as eight fearsome tyrannosaurs fight for the world T-Rex championship title!
T-Rex Beat Down is a co-blogging series presented in partnership with The LongBox Graveyard, who brings you today’s play-by-play.
In today’s Semi-Finals round: Two monsters from the mind of Pat Mills, raging into the arena from the pages of 2000 AD: Satanus and Old One Eye! We invite you to cast your own vote for your favorite in this match. Will your favorite Rex annihilate all enemies – or feed the worms?!? We’re about to find out!
But first: Survey Results! Fans are evenly split over the Quarterfinals match between Satanus and The Tyrannosaurus from Jurrassic Park. Here is our favorite dissenting opinion against the victory of Satanus: “No contest, no question. The Tyrannosaurs Rex from JP is going to be the absolute champion. He is not only the best representation of a rex brought to life, but he took on two raptors with ease… And he ate a slimy lawyer. Total Boss to the Max!” We can only say that Velociraptors are actually the size of turkeys, and Satanus aint no turkey! But feel free to curse Satanus in today’s round – it only makes him angrier.
And now, let’s get to the ring for the Main Event!
Our semifinal features two fresh Rexes that benefitted from walk-overs in the first round. Old One Eye dispatched an aged King Kong T-Rex with a desultory swat of her mighty tail, and Satanus curb-stomped movie star Jurassic Park T-Rex before the pampered faux Tyrant Lizard knew the contest had begun. But now, in the Semis, $#@% gets real in a rematch 65 million years in the making! Yep, it’s Satanus against the Rex that murdered him at the dawn of time: Old One Eye, who also just happens to be his mother! It’s a saurian tragedy of Shakespearean dimensions!
Let’s see what happened the last time these two behemoths battled!
Each Rex enters the arena silently, never averting their gaze from their foe, never allowing themselves the luxury of a challenging bellow. This is serious. This is personal. The Rexes approach each other slowly – not reluctantly, but savoring each three-toed step. Each Rex has been here before, and if they feel any terror at all of the clash that is to come, it is trumped by far with the nervous thrill of battle, with knowing that here at last is a foe each combatant deems worthy!
There’s nothing tougher in sport than beating a rival in tournament time after trouncing them in the regular season, but that is what Old One Eye must do. It’s been strange eons since last these two locked in battle, but to Satanus – so recently reincarnated after his sleep of ages – it feels like only yesterday. Only yesterday he fell in battle to his hag-bitch of a mother. Only yesterday he foolishly initiated the ten hour battle for mastery of the pack that left him dead, but not before Old One Eye had broken every bone in Satanus’ body.
Every bone! Better than two hundred of them. Every bone broken. Every one of them a painful lesson. Every one of them a shattered seed of hate.
Old One Eye is still masterful, still the meanest hunk of Tyrannosaurus to ever stalk the earth. But this time, there’s something different. Something small, something almost insignificant – but something Satanus hopes will give him the edge to kill the monster that birthed him. If he can just live long enough …
They’re within striking distance now, and Satanus begins slowly circling to his right. To his right. Old One Eye turns with him, craning her neck, keeping her one good eye fixed on her foe. She snarls in savage triumph. Satanus is playing right into her clutches! She slides a half-step closer to Satanus with each turn of the spiral. Close. Closer still. Almost there … and strike!
Old One Eye lashes out, her tail whipping toward Satanus, fast as lightning. She’ll take his legs out from beneath him, then pounce on his throat and …
But what’s this? Her tail sweep meets only empty air! Satanus anticipates her attack, leaps in the air, narrowly clearing her whip-snap swipe. And then he lands, shaking the arena floor, and rapidly circles again, to his left.
To his left!
Old One Eye is caught off balance. She has to crane her neck to the left as she turns to her right! She spins herself about, half-off-balance for snapping around in a panic. The one insignificant difference from the time she fought and killed Satanus flares up to haunt her: her eye! Her cursed missing eye! Satanus is in her blind spot!
His eyes gleaming insanely, the black beast attacks in a frenzy! He seizes the base of Old One Eye’s tail in his jaws. He hardly feels the pain as he Old One Eye tears into his back. The tables are turned. The pupil has become the master. With evil cunning, Satanus uses the terrible daggers of his teeth to tear off his mother’s tail!
Unable to keep her balance, Old One Eye slips in the fast-spreading pool of her own blood, and falls. Waving his trophy of a tail about, Satanus glares down at his dying mother, and unleashes a screeching litany of hate! He spits free his grisly trophy and lunges in for the kill…
Old One Eye lashes out! Was she laying in wait, or are these her death paroxysms? The effect is the same: Satanus turns aside at just the last moment, and the hind claws that might have disemboweled him instead rake the black Tyrannosaurus’ flanks. He screams in pain and rage. So it is to be that way, is it, mother? IS IT?
Satanus backs off, begins to circle. Turning to the left … to the left … Old One Eye is on her back, unable to stand. Crab-like, she tries to turn, her head craning about, trying to keep Satanus in her field of vision. Her life’s blood is pumping into the sands of the arena through the severed stump of her tail, and she suddenly begins to feel every one of her 65 million years age.
But Satanus is enraged, now, and he won’t make this easy. In a twisted kind of respect for the hag-bitch that gave him life, Satanus might have granted his foe an easy death. But that fresh claw gouge along his flanks has reawakened all the pain and humiliation of his defeat at Old One Eye’s jaws so many ages ago. And now… she must pay.
He circles again and again. Old One Eye grows dizzy, begins snapping her head back and forth, frantic, beyond panic. Satanus lures her with his slow, rhythmic steps. Then, like lightning, he strikes! He pounces on his mother’s back, biting firmly on the back of her neck, but he does not close his jaws. No, that would be too easy. Old One Eye has forfeited her right to an easy death. Instead, he pins her helpless as he stomps on her ribs, hearing them crack.
That’s for YOU, mom. That’s five bones broken. One hundred ninety-five to go.
Old One Eye screams, twists her neck, tries to shake the black T-Rex from her back, but Satanus has her in a death grip, helpless as a kitten held by the scruff of her neck. STOMP! SNAP! STOMP! SNAP! On and on it goes, the horrible revenge of Satanus! The crowd is silent. This isn’t battle. This is murder! Someone should stop it! But who dares confront the evil Satanus, meting out pain so savage even his diabolic namesake would turn away in disgust?
STOMP! SNAP! STOMP! SNAP! Two hundred bones, every one of them breaking. Old One Eye’s flesh and organs stomped into jelly.
Killing Old One Eye doesn’t take a fraction of the ten hours it took Satanus to expire when he first fought his mother, all those years ago. But it still seems to last a lifetime, and it is NOT A NICE WAY TO DIE!
The victor: SATANUS!! Revenge is a dish best served hot and squirming!
WINNER OF THIS ROUND: Satanus, the Black Tyrannosaur!
Be here tomorrow for the FINAL CHAMPIONSHIP Round: Satanus versus Devil Dinosaur!