Welcome to the Fourth Quarterfinals Round of The T-Rex Beat Down: March Madness with Tyrannosaurs! Join us every day through April 2nd as eight fearsome tyrannosaurs fight for the world T-Rex championship title!
T-Rex Beat Down is a co-blogging series presented in partnership with The LongBox Graveyard, who brings you today’s exclusive play-by-play.
Today’s dinosaurs of destruction: 2000 AD’s Satanus and The T-Rex from Jurassic Park! We invite you to cast your own vote for this match. Will your favorite killer conquer, or be tossed to the pterosaurs?!? We’re about to find out!
But first: Survey Results! Votes for favorites continue to stream in from our Quarterfinals rounds. Loner’s up in the polls over Gwangi now by 80% of fan votes! More fans chimed in on the controversial match between Old One Eye and the T-Rex of Skull Island: Old One Eye is up from 0% favorite to a full 33%. We knew Old One Eye had some support out there! For yesterday’s Devil Dinosuar vs. Trax Beat Down, 100% of fans voted for Jack Kirby’s jumping juggernaut. A small sample of your thoughts: “Devil Rex has a cool name, cooler backstory and is the brainchild of Jack Kirby… No contest.” And, “A Jack Kirby creation! Nuff said!”
We couldn’t agree more.
Now, on to today’s main event! As our two Cretaceous contestants approach the Colosseum, let’s review The Tale of the Tape:
Restored to life by DNA science in a Judge Dredd comic a full dozen years before Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park novel, Satanus is black, mean, and loves the taste of human flesh. Spawned 65 million years ago from the hellish loins of Old One Eye, Satanus had every bone in his body broken in a grueling, ten hour battle for supremacy with his mother and pack leader. Raised from the dead in a world he never made, the memory of every one of those broken bones made Satanus that much more evil. Put on exhibit in Dinosaur National Park, Satanus shrugged off the effects of his drugged meat to eat a half-dozen tourists – which only increased his infamy! Following the apocalypse that created the Cursed Earth, Satanus broke into the wild where he rose to command a vicious T-Rex pack.
Nearly impossible to kill and the continuing star of several 2000 A.D. comic series, Satanus might be the most cruel dinosaur in our competition. If he has any weakness at all, it might be complacency from so many years of easy kills offered up by the fearful mutants who worshipped him. But, his name should give you a clue to his nature. Woe betide the man who thinks he’s seen the last of Satanus, a remorseless monster from the dawn of time!
Let’s have a look at one of Satanus’ classic kills:
The Tyrannosaurus of Jurassic Park:
The T-Rex so singular that he has no name — the unquestioned and undefeated star of the mega-blockbuster Jurassic Park! Resurrected by reckless science, he smashes a jeep, menaces little kids, eats a lawyer off a toilet, and swats velociraptors like flies. Unique among our contestants, The Tyrannosaurus was undefeated, surviving his movie and closing out the picture with an Oscar-worthy close-up while a “When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth” banner tumbles to the ground!
Unfortunately, Hollywood insiders report The Tyrannosaurus is a prima dona, ordering flunkies around on the set by waving his little arms, demanding bowls of green M&Ms in his trailer, and leaving his most dangerous silver screen moments to an unnamed stunt T-Rex. Also, he’s kind of stupid, and tracks on movement.
Let’s have a look at some of this monster’s best moments!
And it’s almost time for the starting bell – let’s be sure we get some good seats for the Play By Play!
How Satanus has waited for this.
Born – and killed – 65 million years ago, then resurrected by science gone mad, the evil Tyrannosaurus men call Satanus is as bitter, vengeful, and petty as his namesake. Yes, Satanus has an Enemies List, and it is 65 million years long! It is a list of the fools – reptilian and otherwise – who would deny Satanus’ right to rule, and to feed. Hatred powers Satanus’ dark heart, pulses like black venom through his veins. All must die, all must suffer! And there is only ONE T-Rex that Satanus hates more than Jurassic Rex… his own cursed mother, Old One Eye.
But THAT score must wait.
Ah, and what a fine appetizer is paired with Satanus in the arena today. Look at him, preening, waving to the crowd with his absurd little arms. He knows his best angle – of course he does. He turns for the camera, just so, displaying the toothy profile that dropped a million hearts into the sink of fear. The Jurassic Park T-Rex, feared and beloved by this race of puny humans. How little they know… lauding those FOOLS Crichton and Spielberg for “storytelling genius” that brought dinosaurs back from extinction with recovered DNA. A brilliant idea – an idea that had already been unleashed upon an oblivious world a full dozen years before, when mighty Satanus was rescued from the lost eons, and reborn to walk the earth in Dinosaur National Park!
This simpering, pampered, make-believe tyrant lizard. How DARE he share a stage with Satanus? While Jurassic Rex was walking the red carpet and dining on starlets, where was Satanus? FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE in Dinosaur National Park, and rising through guile and terror to command a pack of ravenous Tyrannosaurs! And now, at last, the moment of Satanus’ redemption is at hand. All he need do is wait for the signal to begin the match.
Wait? For MEN to tell him it is time to feed? NEVER!
Satanus jumps the gun, pounces on Jurassic Rex from behind. The crowd is aghast. The control room is apoplectic – they’re still in commercial break! Jurassic Rex never knew what hit him. He’s dead before Satanus has swallowed the chunk of flesh he’s torn from the disbelieving movie star’s neck. When Satanus rolls his foe over and claws at his soft underbelly it is merely for effect… and for the sheer joy of watching his foe bleed.
Stunned silence grips the crowd. Satanus turns his bloody face toward the cameras – oh yes, Satanus knows HIS best angle, too – and lets loose a roar heard around the world, a roar that says WHERE IS YOUR STUNT REX NOW, WORM??
The victor: SATANUS, in a first-round knockout! And it wasn’t even close!
ROUND FOUR WINNER: Satanus!
Come back tomorrow for the first of our two Semi-Final Rounds!