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Here’s the Drug Awareness scene where Cyborg tells the team he got into drinking some, and “tried pot once or twice.” Somehow we missed that bit in the Tales of the New Teen Titans Mini-Series. You learn all kinds of interesting things in the New Teen Titans Drug Awareness books!

Here’s an unintentionally ironic moment where Changeling takes out some drug distributors. No, not the Pfizer reps at your primary care physician’s office — bad guys! What do they have in store for them? Extra Strength Aspirin! Isn’t aspirin a drug?

No wonder kids are confused. We’ve got a presidential War on Drugs, but there’s a Walgreens Drug Store or CVS Pharmacy on every corner. And they don’t just sell the good drugs your doctor likes you to buy regularly, they also sell bad drugs like tobacco and booze. Confused yet, son? We also have a Drug-Free Workplace that makes big insurance companies happy. But, people can’t cope with their monotonous cubicle life without massive doses of prescription drugs for their “mental illness” of finding anonymous drudgery depressing and hard to focus on. Now children, don’t do drugs — they’re bad — but do take these pills for the ADHD you developed after we raised you from infancy in front of the television. With cultural schizophrenia like that on the rise every year, it’s no wonder guys like Speedy freak out!

Up next, Speedy tells about his days as a drug fiend. In case you think Marv Wolfman made this up just for this issue, Speedy’s actually talking about a story in Green Lantern #85-86 by Denny O’Neill.

We were wondering why Speedy didn’t get hooked on speed?

Now drugs are bad, and we definitely need the Keebler Elf, the White House, and the New Teen Titans to remind us that drugs are bad. But did you know boobies are bad for kids, too? Nevermind that without the female breast, the infants of our species would have all died off tens of thousands of years ago. For the three New Teen Titans Drug Awareness issues, Starfire’s costume is re-vamped to a one-piece swimsuit.

Kids, looking at naked women is bad! If you see too much boobie in a comic book, you are guaranteed to become a drug-crazed, mass-murdering sociopath — or even a blogger! Nooo!

Don’t do drugs!
Buy Keebler cookies instead!
Everyone knows sugary foods are a healthy choice for kids!